Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.