Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
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Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Feel. He’s so soft.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?