Hmm, not sure about this change
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
me opening up to someone
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
All generalizations are stupid.