Hmm, not sure about this change
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[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater