Hmm, not sure about this change
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?