Hmm 🧐
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”