Hmm 🧐
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
best review i’ve ever seen
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I just love that new Pope smell.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.