hmmm
You Might Also Like
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.