Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Things that are dangerous-

-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it