Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

linkedin the good parts

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

hamburger doesn’t need your help.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.