Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.