hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Some people were born into their job.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Sheep
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.