Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

WIFE: you probably need a shower

KID: why? how do I smell?

ME: *without looking up* with your nose

[ no-look high five from WIFE ]

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.