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friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”