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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
When news reporters do sports stories
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.