Hmmmmm
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Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.