hmmmmmm
You Might Also Like
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Catercrombie & Fish
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank