Hmmmmmmm….
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[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Yup
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance