Hmmmmmmm….
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
just having fun
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener