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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.