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Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Huge, if true.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]