Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

i want to work in this restaurant

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?

Me: To show God we have our act together.

9: But he knows we’re lying.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?