-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him