If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
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‘90s movie villain: You have 2 minutes to hack into the pentagon or I’ll blow your head off!
Hacker: (frantically starts fumbling at an AOL disc package)
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Her: I froze my eggs.
Me: ??? ??? ??????
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.