Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.