HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…