Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

#Caturday

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

Don’t make me out nice you.

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

what’s in a name?

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want