HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?