HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
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A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Stonehinge
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
