Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Never mess with a drunken pig.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu