Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.