Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.