Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.