Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
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computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.