Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
You Might Also Like
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
That’s incredible! 👌
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say