Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
