Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you