Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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Me irl
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment