Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?