Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening