Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually


Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.


Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?


My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”


Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.


Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.


addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother


Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.