Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
You Might Also Like
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Only Americans understand
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.