@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

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@PrestoVision

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

@super_morgasm

Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

@TheGirlPie

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

@StaceyLynne_44

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

@ficklenuts

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

@notstupidgaycat

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.