Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.