Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
When your man makes a valid point
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.