Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
getting corrected
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”