Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”