Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Well, this certainly took a turn
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”