Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I’m aging like a fine banana