Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion