Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You Might Also Like
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
#JohnTravolta
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a