Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
can I use a minion as a tampon
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there