Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
is it earth
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.