Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.