Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The best plant holders?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.