Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
<—- homeless romantic
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!