Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
You Might Also Like
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.