Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
You Might Also Like
*updates tinder bio*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens