Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
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Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Generation gap…
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?