Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.