Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
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Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My time has come.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I love texting my boyfriend