Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it

A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.