Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

accurate

My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?