“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Arrest that man!
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.