“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
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If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.