Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.