Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Meowchelangelo
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!