Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂