Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
You Might Also Like
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span
I’m listening
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.