Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
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*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?