Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns