Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant