Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

San Francisco has too many rules

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself

Me: I see

Gf: Are you gonna over-react?

Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do

Ex Gf: what

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint