Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

these two trucks have the same bed length

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.