Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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so, is there a mister shapen head
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive