Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

just make the entire table out of coaster

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???