Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

c’mon!

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.