Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You Might Also Like
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
<- sleeps well with others
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about