Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
You Might Also Like
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.